Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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