dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
pop tarts are not kleenex
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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