She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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