i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
