That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
