I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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