Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
