My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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