how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
