She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
