So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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