You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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