U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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