I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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