like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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