My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
