Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
