I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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