i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
