OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
