Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize