OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
