my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
