Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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