If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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