using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
