We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
