There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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