Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
