Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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