dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
