how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
