We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
True college students do jello shots in the library
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