Hey man sorry I got all grabby
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
