i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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