The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
