Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
