can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
