Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
