it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize