On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize