My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
