I look better un-naked...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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