I wish my penis had an off switch
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
