Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
