before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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