you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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