my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
