remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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