i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
