Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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