Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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