The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I need a burrito and a hug.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
