I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize