i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
