I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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