So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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