Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
