Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So squirting runs in the family.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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