so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
then he tried to convert me to islam
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
